“Frightened? Child, you’re talking to a man who’s laughed in the face of death, sneered at doom, and chuckled at catastrophe… I was petrified.” -Wizard of Oz
All I ever used to want was a clean slate. But I’ve scrubbed so hard for so long and all I got were bloody knuckles and puffy eyes. I guess there’s a point where you have to realize that the past isn’t there to be erased. It’s there to help you grow.
I see through things now the way I never did when I was small. There’s that moment when you’re finally tall enough to see over the neighbors fence when you hear them yelling.. and you realize that life, and love, can indeed be broken.. If you’ll let them. It’s funny, those moments, when your whole world changes. When you realize that the monsters in your closet are really just your knowledge of the fact that things can hurt you. At what point do we find that out? When do we become capable of being frightened? You can put a scary demon monster in front of a baby and odds are, he will just laugh, or stare at it curiously. Put that shit in front of me? I’m running for the hills for sure.
The road from Las Vegas to Los Angeles is paved in gold. Literally. Okay, well not literally but if you make the drive at the right time of day, the sunset over the mountains turns the pavement a golden color. That’s about as close as I assume I’ll ever get to my yellow brick road. The shiny path leading from the destruction left by a tornado (or in this case my recent life occurrences) to a bright new world full of wonder and sparkly nonsense. I wasn’t fortunate enough to land my house on a witch before I set out on my journey, but you can’t win them all. LA is a bit like Oz. Plenty of things pretending to be something they aren’t. Thousands of “Wizards” behind giant curtains of falseness. But there is so much passion here if you look past the initial stereotype. So many people who are so aware that they are alive. I haven’t seen a lot of that lately. I’ve seen far too much numbness and far too many people giving up on themselves because they forget that we’re growing up and dying. We need to live. Now. Now is all you have. Don’t be content living your life in a way that doesn’t feel right. Don’t stay in a town you know you’re not supposed to be in. That’s why I’ve lived in 100 places in the last couple of years. NYC, Boston, a van, Canada, Las Vegas, and now I’m moving to LA in a couple of weeks (If I don’t go to Beijing.. which I really hope I do..) But I need to remember that you can’t come here jaded. You have to come here ready to work your ass off… and I fully intend to do so.
A question I’ve been asking myself lately; How many times can someone really cry wolf before people stop listening? Before they even stop believing their own lies? Honesty is important in all cases, but the most important form of it is honesty with yourself. You can’t tell how someone is really feeling from reading their social network statuses. You sure as hell can’t tell how I’m really feeling from mine. Then again there is a certain amount of information that I feel is acceptable to share through those outlets. I don’t need everyone to know when I’m crying or when I am having a bad day. I want to motivate people, not bring them down. But I have been very honest with myself lately as far as how I’m feeling. That’s all I hope for. I hate not trusting myself. It’s time to really get to know who I am, and who I have become in the last few years.
It’s habit for me to want to try to fix things.. and sometimes I’ve even tried to live someone else’s life for them, to do everything I can, even change myself, to try and make them content.. But I know now that you can’t be the catalyst for other peoples’ happiness. You also can’t use other people’s downfalls as a way to build yourself up. Like the time I went back and spell checked every love letter an ex ever wrote me, thinking it would make me feel bigger to make him look small. But belittling people will never EVER make you feel better… not for more than a moment at least.
It makes things easy when you’re only looking for a title. And there are plenty of people who just want to be in that job or with that girl/guy or living in that city.. But to me there is more to it than that. Without real love and real passion in your life (And I’m not speaking strictly from a romantic standpoint) you will always feel unsatisfied, incomplete.
Where I want to be.. Making love to a glass of white wine and my piano. (Figuratively speaking, of course..) Playing my music for people who truly want to listen. Touching lives and feeling real love, and realizing it doesn’t always come from a significant other. It comes from everything else. I don’t need a second half. I am a whole person on my own. And when love does find me again, it will be when I am truly me.
Nothing worth having comes without some sort of effort. If something seems easy and that’s the only reason you go for it, you’ll probably miss out on something better that you could have had if you just put in a tiny bit of your time. The outcome of a small amount of work is incredible. If you live your life as if toys are only to look at, and you never get your hands dirty.. you’ll never learn a damn thing. It’s your scars that remind you of what you have overcome and can continue to overcome in the future. Don’t avoid getting hurt. You will hurt far more in the end if you stop trusting people and stop taking chances.
I’m on this journey for a reason, and I’m going to make it as inspiring and eventful as I can. As my very beautiful, very intelligent friend Lindsay said recently “I’m not going to dim my light just because it’s blinding you. Put on some sunglasses, bitch.”
